Revelation

I was talking to a friend on the phone the other night and the conversation that came about was one that I didn't foresee happening and caught me off guard just a little bit. The propose of the phone call was to catch up with a close friend who is also doing a summer ministry. It is really nice to catch up with her and hear about all that she is doing this summer. Well for some reason, I started venting to her about different things. Nothing big but some things that I had bottled up for awhile that I just needed to get out. I felt really badly when I got off the phone because I felt like our conversation was not a healthy one and instead of feeling empowered and affirmed by the conversation that I had, I felt worse than I had at the beginning of the conversation. The reason that I felt so badly was not because of what was said in the conversation, but instead that I had allowed myself to unload everything that I was struggling with on someone who did not deserve that at all. Well you see, this is where the revelation happened. I realized that I came to camp a very selfish person, and God is really changing my heart in that area, and I will be honest, it hurts.

In my time here at camp and over the past few days, I have realized that nothing that I am doing here is for me...nothing. I thought that I was going to come to camp and be fed spiritually, and that I would be on this "mountain top" all summer. Now I am getting fed, just not from the places that I thought that I would. You see, camp is great! Don't get me wrong, but it has been an adjustment. Camp was always the place that I felt closest to God, and now I am creating that environment (with the help of my team and God) for the kids that I encounter on a day to day and week to week basis. Now this is where the issue comes in. I am pouring myself out and giving everything that I have spiritually to the kids, but I have nothing spiritual coming in.

Ah! Here is the revelation part of my story. First, nothing that I am doing here is for me. NOTHING! It is completely for God and for the kids. It is about getting out of the "me" attitude and getting into the "they" attitude. It is getting out of the selfish attitude and getting into the selfless attitude. Let's look at the definition of being selfless.

Selfless: concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own; unselfish

Can you imagine how hard those words were to read when I was in this "me attitude" where I thought that I was the one that was going to be fed spiritually? A tough pill to swallow, but a perfect illustration of what God has planned for me this summer!

Now you see, up until this point, it has been awhile since I worked on this specific post. This has been the hardest post to write this summer. It's sometimes hard for me to write down my thoughts. They sound really good in my head, but when I try to put them into words I struggle. It is something that I am working on and I didn't want to get this one wrong. This is a somewhat incomplete blog and I hope that as God continues to shape me, I can follow-up in later posts.

Until the nets are full,
Zeke